Life of Action

We are face to face with our destiny and we must meet it with high and resolute courage.  For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.  Theodore Roosevelt (1858 – 1919)

For my dedicated readers, I apologize in the delay of this post.  Do know I am committed to writing my random musings and will work on doing so on a more regular basis.    As for this post today I am working on some projects in my own life that require me to do more than think and ponder (which I do EXTREMELY well) and step out of the box into action.  I value the verb action it is where the wheel hits the pavement and you actually move towards a goal.  Unfortunately, one of the reasons I value action so much is because I really suck at it.  I should clarify and say I suck at the personal goals more than the work goals.  At work you have someone overlooking your tasks and holding the whip (per say) so there is more of a motive to actually do well and get it done.  

If my goals involve another person I tend to be better at the action part; I am familiar with disappointment and do not want to disappoint a friend if I promise something.    The key point for me is not promising something you can’t deliver.  It is easier to be honest on the front side or say no, I don’t have the time at the moment but I can do something at this later date.  I belive most people would rather have the honesty than the dropping the ball when it is really needed to be in the air.  Being honest with yourself can be another ball all together, most people are masters at fooling themselves or avoiding action for a lot of different reasons; all which make sense when you are playing back your recordings to your head.  We all have some great excuses to pull out of the magic hat explaining why we aren’t doing something we know we should be and is in fact something we want to be doing.

Last month I started doing some action steps (more like BABY action steps) to get me to some of my personal goals and some of these can be really uncomfortable.  So far I am forging through with a lot of humor and prayer.  It helps to have a person you can be accountable to; much as at times we dislike that supervisor at work ,you do get your tasks finished because of them.  Whenever you try stretching and doing something new it is going to be awkward and even ugly.  Perhaps you stumble a lot, or don’t know how to respond to an inquiry, have to start over but as long as there is movement of some kind consider it a success!  This does take courage and not giving up on yourself, which for me are hard issues to deal with.  I will check in with you soon and tell you how it is going!

Stress

Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy.  Therefore, it counters depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression.  Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally.  So, eat lots of chocolate!  Elaine Sherman  Book of Divine Indulgences

My internet at home has been out for almost 2 weeks, which in itself is stressful!  Who knew I used the internet for so much stress relief.  However, I have other stress factors adding up to not sleeping much, not eating a lot, and being on edge.  When you add to the mix some work stress it is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.  I tend to watch my stress pretty carefully as it can cause other issues which are not fun to deal with.  Sometimes life just puts you in a spin and you have no control.  On a planet of a lot of human beings who count on being in control it can be a HUGE reality check.

Human are not at their best when they are stressed.  Irritable, cranky, short-tempered, teary, not patient…ugh a cocktail that no one wants to swallow.  Now when your job is to actually be nice and pleasant to the public…and all you want to do is disappear…but NO instead…you get even more stress added to your week.   In no certain terms am I glad this week has come to an end.  It brings up a good question however, what are your tools for dealing with stress?  You can’t let it simmer in your body because if you think you don’t deal well with stress your body likes it even less. 

Exercise is good for the body, the soul and stress.  Also doing things you love which for me is listening to music, meditating, reading…but what if none of these work?   Sad to say but sometimes you have to ride the wave and hope the stress ends soon.  Sometimes I think stress is the body’s way of saying WATCH OUT!  Your are about to crash.  Much like a surfer you do not want to wipe out at the top of the scale and your body is trembling trying to stay on the board.

I have learned several things this week on stress:

Letting go of control, it can be impossible because you think only YOU can do something well, but the reality is, that is not the case and something has to give. Share the load.  Speaking up!  Tell those close to you what is happening so they understand and the light turns on….oh that is why she isn’t her typical self.  If there is a reason most people will not jump your case too much…if it doesn’t last too long.  Vent!  Here is where you want to be careful and make sure the person you are telling your troubles too really cares and won’t go spread your words across the campus.  Sometimes you need to take time for yourself.  The trick is to make sure it doesn’t cause you even more stress. 

Asking for help and being honest are great tools but don’t forget to be gentle with yourself as well.  We are our toughest critics and sometimes the stomach is in knots because we are so hard on ourselves.  We have trouble reaching for the grace and help available to us.  We don’t want to appear weak or we can’t accept someone cares.

After all of this I say make sure the kitchen cupboards have chocolate and wine to surrender in a hot yummy smelling bath and forget that the week even happened.  We have to pamper the body and love it for dealing with all the stress we cause it.

Love

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.  Karen Sunde

Since it is Valentine’s Day I thought it was a good day to blog about love, like I am sure a million other people.   Love is not a easy thing to understand, I have been trying all of my life and still I struggle.  It seems at times I have a love/hate relationship with it.  There are so many different types of love and we always seem to want the type we don’t have.  Love can become addictive and we crave it, sometimes to the point where we make poor choices and treat it like a drug where we need our next fix.  Some of this is society fault because they use love and sex to sell everything.  If you turn on the TV or watch a movie it can seem like everyone has a great relationship except you.  It can make you even MORE desperate to find that elusive magic person that will complete you.

What we need to remember is not the love we are missing, but the love we do have.  Any love I believe has parts of  the ultimate love which leads to the source of  all life God.  That is the purest love anyone can receive.  It is so powerful and strong that we can’t even take it all in on this human plane of exsistance.  We can certainly see parts of it, and we enjoy the love we do have, but it is just a taste of the ultimate feast we will be a part of. 

Love comes from so many people, we can laser point on the fact we don’t have the romantic love but we should look around and see that we have friends who love us, family, universal human love…that is also important.  I have always loved Valentine’s Day and since I haven’t had the romantic love I tend to shower all the other people in my life with love.  I think there are a lot of people who need to hear and know that they are loved no matter what the source.  I also know not hearing it as much as I would like; you tend to give to others what you would like to receive.   It gives me joy to pass on love, and a person can never hear that they are loved enough.

Over the years my focus has changed with love.  To be less disappointed I don’t try and count on things which will give me heartache.  Which actually has worked really well.   Instead I focus on things which I enjoy doing even if I do them alone.  I look at the love I am blessed to have, and there is a lot of it.  I work on self love, which can be one of the hardest loves of all to deal with.  I think you have to love yourself and know you are truly worth a good, healthy love and if you can’t have that, you still are ok alone.  Live life and be apart of the cycle of just enjoying a sunset, or your cat cuddling up with you.    Sometimes you have to be honest and admit that the movie and books don’t always tell it like it is.  That happily ever after actally has many looks and roads and it takes a lot of work to get there.  Plus that happily ever after might only last for a day before the routines and chores bog you down into a treadmill of lost years and dreams. 

I am still a romantic and hope to be the rest of my days…even if that is on the sidelines.  I know now that love takes a huge committment, and desire to work it out even when it is hard.  Sometimes, it can’t be worked out, but the love doesn’t fade.  When the heart is engaged and feelings are flowing love is all we want no matter how long it ends up being.  I am going to end with the quote I put in my cards for this year, because I think this comes very close to what love is.  I wish every one of my readers a very lovely Valentine’s Day.  May love surround you 365 days a year.

Love bears all things
Believes all things
Endures all things
Love never ends.

Prayer and Meditation

A grandfather was walking through his yard when he heard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in a tone of voice that sounded like a prayer.  He asked her what she was doing.  The little girl explained:  ”I’m praying, but I can’t think of exactly the right words, so I’m just saying all the letters, and God will put them together for me, because He knows what I’m thinking.”  Charles B. Vaughan

As much as I love words and expressing them, at times they can get in the way of pure thought and emotion.  Sometimes there are no words, but just tears that run down your face slowly.  I get caught up in saying the wrong thing, or the words and actions not being enough.  Even when it is just me and God I can stumble on what my heart is trying to express.  I feel if I am so frustrated just imagine what God is thinking.  And I am afraid to look and see the disappointment or rejection, because ultimately I do fail…a lot.

I took a class at work on meditation once a week during lunch and I really resonated with stilling the mind and all my thoughts and focusing on the breath.  I got SO much out of it I bought some CDs that have music and a guided meditation to help me quiet my mind and focus on the inner spirit.  One of the subjects of the CD is living prayer and it has become my favorite not just because of my search for closer fellowship and connection with the spirit but it helps me seek that place which are pure golden silent communication.  The prayers that we don’t even know we have or only catch glimpses of.  Prayer and meditation help us cross that bridge from grounded reality to the spirit where you are weightless.  I would call it a adrenaline of the mind.

We all know life is a stressful place.  There are good days, ok days and the days where we know we should have called in sick because they are a traffic accident you just can’t look away from.  Days which you struggle to make it through without making any additional mistakes and flying under everyone’s radar….especially God’s.  This is the perfect time to go to that deep soul place and not speak words or even have thoughts, but just be still and present while the spirit comes to you.  Holy times and even if you don’t recall the time which has passed you feel the difference deep inside that soul which lives inside.

Prayer is more than words of care, hope, wishes or celebration.  They acknowledge something that is hard to point to but still there…part of the world invisible living along side us.

 

 

Seeking Truth

To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity.  We are given senses to receive our information within. Within our own eyes we see, and with our own skin we feel.  With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand.  But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself.  Sophy Burham

 

Searching for the truth, God, or the answers to your inner or outer universe is lifetime journey, sometimes I think MANY lifetimes.  I hope that my personal God has a lot of patience and understanding because I am SO stubborn and questioning not to  mention doubtful of any  grace, forgiveness and most especially love thrown my way.  I am blessed it comes to me even when I have my very human issues.

On this quest in my life of finding the truth I have looked in many directions and am pretty open to a lot of different possibilities.  In my mind I see several different paths to the center of God/Spirit and one is not better or more right than the other.  Lately however I have felt from deep inside of my soul a calling for more connection and fellowship.  In my lifetime have been solitary in my beliefs as well as a part of a more organized group, both can have connection and also be separating.  Balance I am sure is the key as with most things; being able to share with another person or group of people gives a feeling of belonging, however having your own personal time with your divine God is also powerful.  I am a very feeling and sensitive person and  I dream of  having someone who loves me no matter what I do, in fact, I would imagine it feeling like a handsome prince sweeping in to take you into his arms and the end credits of “they lived happy ever after”  appearing.  Unfortunately, due to my personal history and doubts I have my issues trusting it.  (on a side note…self worth issues are SUCH a bitch…hope you don’t have to deal with them.)

So I needed some guidance and help as all people do on occasion.  I emailed a old friend of mine to have lunch today and get some road signs.  This wasn’t the easiest thing to reach out for since I thought he might be not too happy with me for possibly several reasons. (my second side note…never assume, always ask even when hard; otherwise years can go by with the WRONG ideas bouncing around and killing precious time)  This talk was like coming home to a warm and comfortable safe sacred place.  (not so easy to find trust me) It was a moment of profound joy and relief.  Even a more he helped me with some maps for my journey and a possibility of even more lunches. (my friends are top notch) When something this amazing shines a light over you of course you want to share and express the uniqueness of that moment.

Of course those moments never last as long as you want so I know there will be  future post as I find myself off the path and in some no signal wilderness with nothing but big rocks surrounding me. (I really loath rocks as much as Indiana Jones hates snakes!)  I guess when you are searching for truth and that deep never-ending love and connection that won’t disappear it shouldn’t be too easy. For me it is worth even the chance of those rocks since I can’t get it out of my heart.  It might be my destiny to always be struggling with the questions and truths which have no simple or easy paths.  To be seeking with no prize, but does it make the journey any less worthy…I don’t think so.

Friendship #2

Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another.  Eustace Budgell (1686-1737)

I was re-reading some of my posts last night from my other blog Everyday Magic Moments and this post nudged me on my shoulder and demanded to be read.  This was a GOOD post. (see orginal post below stars)  One of my best I think mostly due to the fact that friendship in my life has always been one of my touchstones and it is something I feel proud about because I have great friends.   To have healthy good friendships you need to be a good friend.  Perhaps because friends do become the family you chose to be around and they reflect in someways your values and your personality. 

Of course there are friendships which are closer or longer in time.  You have certain friends that you only do certain activities with, or only see a few times a year.  There are work friends, childhood friends, college friends, friends you meet from volunteering, but they ALL have value and together show the person you are. 

I think friendship is vitial just for the venting and the laughter, but it adds even more.  Friends are interweaved into your life and once there the colors remain always to remind you of the impact no matter if they are not apart of your life now.  I challenge you to look at your friendships and see what they are saying to you.  Also you can bless all the gifts you have been given and continue to have. 

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POST FROM 2009

Friendship keeps you sane in a world turn crazy.  Each friendship is unique and special and shouldn’t compete with your other friends.  We all need friends, being so solitary not to call on one person when things get dark and complicated is tragic.  To only live in your mind with your own thoughts can disconnect you with the human race.

I am not talking of acquaintances when I speak of friendship.  Acquaintances ask the polite questions of society but aren’t invested in the answers received.  They don’t know the “real” you behind all the polite smiles and posturing that happens out in society.  A true friend has to know at least one dark secret and to have seen you at less then your best.  Otherwise how can you ever be sure they will stick around?  A strong friendship will have fought battles and have lost a few still having the scars to show.  No relationship is ever perfect, but if there are never any storms I don’t think you have seen your friend in a true light.

Connection is that extra magic sparkle that takes the ordinary to EXTRA-special.  It doesn’t happen with every friend; but when you find that friend you should hold on to them.  It is extremely rare.  These are the friendships that have a chance of becoming the family you choose (instead of being born into).  They help you share and keep the memories of your life.  The rituals such as death and creation.  The jobs that have been good and bad; the relationships that have grown and dissolved.  Those friends have your back and your history.  With one word they can invoke years of memory and love.

Time is lost when you are with your friend.  A day becomes just a hour or two in your mind.  You get excited for those special times when you can have a sleep-over or go on a trip with several days in a row.  Imagine you are in a bubble and nothing else penetrates but the moment.  This is hard now in our society because everyone has crammed the day with things to do or they have family and obligations, but remember the time when it was all put aside for a friend?  There should still be occasions to make some of it happen, but we get so busy…we forget and in forgetting we lose something so precious.

Perhaps you have never had a friendship like this, and if that is so, I am sorry.   This is the friendship we should all be holding out for because all others are just second rate.  Not bad but not as good as they could be.  You should know there are friends that are better then what novels and movies show.  Each of us can find that perfect friend for us.  That is what I wish for you.  To have the friendship that is “Perfect” for you.  For I promise you it is magic that does not go away no matter the years.

Bus Democracy

People who want to understand democracy should spend less time in the library with Aristotle and more time on the buses and in the subway.
Simeon Strunsky,”No Mean City 1944″

The new bus schedule started this Sunday on January 22, 2012 and this has been a passionate topic for me for months.  I rely on the bus to get to work and to do my life activities and I have been riding one bus for over 1o years.  It had become a familiar and comfortable friend in a way.  In my area of town we have many people who use the bus due to college students, sustainable workers, and high school students, so I was horrified and stunned when I found out that the mysterious powers that be up in Denver and decided to cut my route completely.  After getting some facts and talking to some local people who fight for bus people I went to a local town meeting to voice my concerns.  In this meeting they (being the great leaders of RTD or at least their representatives) assured a whole room of concerned people that it wasn’t as bad as we imagined, and my particular route was going to be combined to be a greater service to the whole community, plus the night hours would be still serviced.  Last week when I opened the new schedule I again had flames shooting out my ears when I saw they not only lied but that my particular bus stop was being completely shut down.  When one counts on the bus to get to work and to get home from anywhere to find out the last bus was at 6:32 pm when it had been 11:22 pm was like living in a horror movie.  I wrote a scathing letter to RTD and copied some people who had gone to the same meeting as I and had heard these same lies.  For several weeks I had been talking to my fellow commuters and trying to get them to write in and figure out a plan to deal with this whole big mess.   I use to be a person who didn’t think that one voice could make a difference.  I didn’t want to rock the boat or speak up.  No more, when something effects you SPEAK UP.  At least you can say you tried and that you did your best to let your viewpoint count.  Perhaps you are just a pebble, but pebbles have started ripples that moved oceans.   Nothing will ever happen if you don’t at least release it into the universe.  I know my co-workers and friends felt my pain as I vented for months about this and saw the letters I sent.  There is a happy ending to this blog, I found out today from my friends who fought for us commuter people that they did  extend 3 hours in the evening on my route, which made me feel happier and proud that  something had come from all my speaking up.  I still will have to walk some extra blocks to get home, but when the stars are out and the moon high in the sky, I know I will still be proud.

Being Comfortable

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within.  It is there all the time.  Anna Freud

Movies are such great inspirations!  I was watching a movie last week and the end nugget was such a terrific topic I decided I would bring it up in my blog.  How many people in your life would you say you can be truly comfortable around?  Those people where you don’t have to worry if the house is dirty or if you are sick; these are the people who know where the skeletons are buried and probably helped you dig the grave.  We WANT more people like this…but the sad truth is they are usually far and few between.  This is the same person you might not have talked to for months and then when you pick up the phone it is like they never left.  People you don’t have to worry about what comes out of your mouth or even if it is catty.  We need more comfort!  Let’s face it there is only so long you can wear a mask and be perfect…and perfect people really are scary…remember Stepford wives?  I think the older we get the more a person gets comfortable with who they are and realizes that the outside things don’t matter as much as we think they do.  More and more the true self starts peaking out and taking over.   How many of your friends are not people you are really comfortable with?  I hope there are NONE, but if there are some I would take a lesson from another of my comfortable friends and just cut them out and don’t think of them again.  Could I do that?  No, but that is why this friend is one of my heros!  I so admire the ability to do that with no guilt.  I am a big peeps marshmallow and have other gifts.  That is what I tell myself to get by.  I know I am blessed, I have always had good friends.  People who I could do lots of EXTREMELY comfortable things around.  I could tell you some stories…but then me and my friends would have to bury your body.  My purpose is just to get you thinking about the comfort level around the people closest to you.  If they won’t go to a Twilight premiere or a Justin Bieber concert….there could be limits to the friendship or how many of their skeletons you know about.  We are talking high exposure here to LOTS of screaming teenage girls.  Just for the record…I am comfortable with the overwhelming excitement of that.   Be careful…I might drag you along.

Where is your line?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I had a totally different topic for my next post, but then I had a conversation which made me switch it up and write on a each person’s individual line and the point where you can’t cross.  As close as you are to a person or even your own family there is a point of no return, a line invisible that when crossed…things are at a end.  Sometimes you don’t even know this line is there waiting until that event happens and it is too late.  This ticking time bomb might not even be known to the person until it happens and then she realizes that is it, I am done.  Every person has one, but it shouldn’t make you afraid of getting to know a person or be looking for a expiration date.  I have had many people come in and out of my life, and some even came back in after being out.  There were a few that crossed a line with me; but mostly a event came and I crossed a line unknown and then I was out.  Closure is a wonderful gift; and it is very kind to know what you did that fucked things up, however I wouldn’t count on always knowing.  I have learned that having upfront and difficult talks are well…difficult and most times a person wants to take a silent disappearing act.  It is hard not to take that a little personal, but in this great universe I know I am not perfect  and sometimes it seems easy to just let the door close softly.  The way to look at it is you will have another chance with someone else and perhaps there line will be easier to spot or you will tread a little lighter and try to be on good behavior.  How long can that last?  Well, perhaps as long as it needs to.   Not everyone is equal and sometimes a person only needs to be in your life a short time to get the lesson and message, and then there are others who are in for the long haul.  Everyone can teach you and impart lessons and emotion no matter the time or even the line.  I love questions and I love hearing answers as much as asking questions…one question I have asked to several of my friends is if you had the chance to go back in your past and change a event in which you know would change the rest of your life would you?  It is a difficult choice, but I think it points to if you are happy where you are now.  If you like where you are sitting in this moment then you don’t want to mess up the process that got you to where you are; but if you are unhappy….well then jump into that time machine and switch things up.  At different periods in my life I would have answered that question one way or the other…however at this moment I am pretty happy and open.  I also know there are so many lines out there and I am stepping lightly and quickly trying my very best not to cross too many of them.

Flying Compliments

Nothing makes people so worthy of compliments as receiving them.  One is more delightful for being told one is delightful – just as one is more angry for being told one is angry.  Katherine F. Gerould

Don’t know what I did today, but whatever it was…I was GOOD!  I was graced with some very sweet words from different people.  The first one was from a woman who asked if I had lost weight, because I look good.  I responded with, I have no clue, but I am happy.  It is interesting to me that women tend to flatter other women with the comment they have lost weight or by a outfit or some type of body compliment. (I myself am a pro at this) People like to feel good and in our body conscious society looks or some form of them tend to be a positive reinforcement.  Several years ago this would make me question if I should lose weight and become very self conscious about the compliment.  Weight and I have fought some bloody battles together.  Now we just pass each other and nod politely as we move to other targets.  No winner yet on that one.  I, when given this 1st compliment, laughed and said as honestly as I sometimes do…I have no idea…BUT I am happy.  To me it was more important to focus on the fact that I was in a good mood and feeling very positive.  That in my eyes made me much more attractive than the weight.  My next compliment was after this one and it was on my work performance.  That is a great compliment!  For many years while doing battle with fore mentioned weight, I thought my work was one of the few areas I shined.  Which can be both good and bad.  It is a energy booster when what you are doing is well thought of and appreciated, but fates can turn quickly and you can be in the dog house just as fast.  People tend to need 10 good things to out weigh one bad thing.  Today, however I will admit this compliment came at a time when I was alone at my desk because my co-worker was at lunch and things exploded as they tend to do during that time.  I had three or four people come in at the same time the phones where ringing off the hook and to be noticed for my performance was nice reinforcement when trying not to pull out all my hair.   Now, however work is not my entire life, which I think is a good thing; and I know I am a hard worker over all so it didn’t give me a too inflated head.  A little air is nice; keeps things rolling.  The last compliment was the best because it was about one of my favorite things…my friends!  One of the friends who was at a dinner I had recently was impressed with a friend of mine who I think the world of.  It is nice to know you attract cool and fun people to your life but for all the impressive things this friend does and is known for…to me he is just a friend.  I am very blessed with my friends and I am always happy when other people notice how great they are, in some way I do think that speaks well of me too.  However, do not fear that with all these compliments I will fly too close to the sun on wings made of wax like Icarus in Greek mythology who’s overconfidence made him perish because he didn’t know his limitations.  I am a very grounded person on the subject of myself and if I occasionally get the chance to fly a bit, I remain close to the earth lest I fall from too great a height.